Secure, anxious or avoidant - which are you?
arts
For many years, I was in a relationship that made me feel mad. Literally like I was losing my mind…I never felt good enough and was constantly seeking love, closeness and validation from them. We never spoke about the future, despite being together for over a decade, and it was only after the proposal of marriage that I then realised, ‘oh he actually thinks this is something long-term’…even though we already owned a house together. I constantly lived in a state of insecurity, both within myself and within the relationship. When that relationship fell apart 3 months before the wedding, it was the final cherry on top of the “I'm not good enough” cake.
In the aftermath, I realised how much my anxious attachment to the relationship had meant I'd given up every power in my life. I had no control over where we lived, or how we spent our money, even my dreams weren't valid enough to be heard. We'd been together going on 12 years since I was 16 years old, and for the first time in my life, I had to figure out how to live as me and rely completely on myself.
Once I'd put myself back together, a new love entered my life 8 months later and I fell hard and quickly. This time, I was determined to do everything I could to ‘make it work’ (hello perfectionist), whilst trying to keep the independence that I'd come to rely on intact. Not only did I fear failing at this new relationship, but I feared all the strength and resilience I'd found in myself would be lost if I gave myself over to him completely, so I pulled back, I avoided intimacy and ultimately I couldn't invest fully when we were tested (hello covid and long-distance). So we broke and I was heartbroken.
It's been 2 and a half years since I walked away (yes you can break your own heart) and in the time that has passed, I've avoided intimacy completely, but not for the lack of ‘trying’. I've dated, and I've met some great people, but I always seem to meet the person who wants to keep it casual, is in an open relationship or just wants to be friends. I don't think this is a coincidence. I chose to date these people because I didn't want to rely on anyone again. Deep down I knew my heart wasn't ready to open back up. But lately, I have been wondering, am I ever going to meet someone to create a life with? Shall I just get a cat? Or 10?
Then I was recommended a book by a friend - Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. A book offering the science behind love, attachment styles and how we can learn to find (and keep) love. The book details 4 attachment styles to help us understand how we approach relationships.
Secure, anxious or avoidant - which are you?
Anxious (Preoccupied) - seeks support and validation from others, often with low self-esteem, a strong fear of abandonment and does everything they can to make the relationship work, often at the cost of their own self worth. A lack of intimacy can lead them to be clingy and needy.
Avoidant (Dismissive) - the strong, independent ‘lone wolf’ that needs to feel free. Not wanting to rely on or depend on others, they often don't fully invest in a relationship on an emotional level.
Disorganised (A mix of anxious and avoidant) - they want intimacy and closeness as an anxious type but fear and struggle to trust, rely and depend on others like an avoidant.
Secure - comfortable expressing their emotions, they have a relationship based on honesty, closeness and intimacy.
I've swung from an anxious type to anxious-avoidant and then avoidant in the past few years to protect myself, keeping the walls up around my heart over letting anyone in and potentially getting hurt.
If I've come to realise anything through my journey it is that, for there to be a loving relationship there needs to be trust. Not necessarily in the person you are in the relationship with, but in the primary person you are in a relationship with…yourself. You have to know that you are enough, that you trust yourself, your truth matters and you are strong enough to let the walls down and know you will be ok if it falls apart.
Only then, can you dare to love with your whole heart.
When we know ourselves, know how we want to give and receive love, and the attachment style we lean towards we can begin to journey back to a place of security and trust within ourselves and dare to love again.
“The power of knowing your worth
is you can never run out of reasons
to love yourself”
What I'm listening tothis month..
Lately, I find myself listening less to podcasts and more to audiobooks, here are a couple of my favourites at the moment:
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Awakening Shakti by Sally Kempton
The Tantra Experience By Osho
this month’s affirmations…
THIS IS THE REWARD
So often in life, we are looking for outcomes, achievements, and goals to be completed (especially at this time of year) to feel a sense of accomplishment but what if the process was the reward? What if, the messy, incomplete, confused middle bit was the reward?
In Donna Farhi's book Bringing Yoga to Life, she shares an extract from the Bhagavad Gita, ‘such a path seems like poison at first but tastes like nectar in the end, and that which tastes like nectar at first is often bitter poison in the end.’ (18.37-39).
When everything is going well, we can find ourselves waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I wonder why that is. Is it because deep down we know we learn more when life is challenging? Perhaps we know there is gold in the hardship.
What if we just embraced it now - all the pain, all the exhaustion, the complications, the challenges? Would we find gold?
Every moment of life is the reward, don't miss it.
Last thoughts…
IS IT YOUR OWN SHIT?
Something happened with a friend this month that upset me. She said something as ‘a joke’ which I took as her having a dig because that is how it felt. She'd used something I'd shared with her, an insecurity of mine, to make a joke aimed at me. But instead of reacting to the situation, I took my time and asked myself, Is this my own shit?
The truth is, I felt shamed and I realised it had brought a shadow of mine into the light. Obviously, otherwise, it wouldn't have bothered me, I'd have laughed it off and that would have been the end of it. But this was different.
We keep parts of ourselves in the shadows because we feel ashamed of it. And for me, my shadow was being called lazy. I hate being called lazy, but sometimes, like all of us, I am.
For you it might not be being called lazy, maybe it's being called angry, or impatient, or judgemental, or jealous. Whatever it is, we all have our shadows. But instead of projecting it back to them, like we are the victim - ask yourself first, is this my own shit that's making me react that way? What is my role here? How can I take responsibility?