The discomfort of finding your light
arts
I have to admit, I'm finding the start of this year hard. Is it always this dark in January or is it just me? Perhaps it's because I'm still adjusting back to the rhythm of London having had a month of scooting around Bali with the warm wind in my hair - whatever it is, it's been a challenge. And if you are feeling it too, I'm with you.
There's something about January that feels dark in itself, not just the weather, but the energy of January feels gloomy, dark, and insular. But it's meant to be, isn't it? This is the time of the year when we are supposed to ‘winter’. We're the only animals in the Kingdom that keep pushing through even when nature is telling us to slow down, go inwards and retreat during the darker months.
So I've resigned to working only when I need and filling the rest of my time with cups of tea on the sofa with a hot water bottle and the Great Pottery Throw Down.
Aligning with winter's intention gives me time to reflect on the year gone and more importantly look ahead to our intentions for the year ahead (which is somewhat of a moodletter tradition, this year being the 3rd year, can you believe…!)
If you are new around here, fear not. Here's a quick recap. Instead of resolutions, which let's face it last about a week, possibly two (if you're really keen) then they fall away and leave you feeling a bit crap. I don't know about you, but I'm not in the game of intentionally making myself feel like crap, so enter Intentions..! No yucky new regimes or rules you need to stick to, just something from the heart to keep with you throughout the year. Like a loving friend supporting you as you go.
My one word intention for last year was Commit. The intention was all about committing to cooking meals more at home, building an online studio (it's on its way) and travelling to New Zealand which I've wanted to do for the past 6 years (it was my honeymoon that I never went on). It turns out most of the things I had intended for last year didn't quite work out. But what I realise is, more than anything last year, I committed to myself. I completed my breathwork facilitator training and committed to wading (it really did feel like wading at times) through the muddy depths of my soul to find my light. It was perhaps the hardest, and the year I'm most proud of. So even if we don't realise it, and we forget about them often, that little seed of intention is sown within and fuels our life.
So that brings us to this year and my word. I thought about this a lot, originally it was going to be Courage - but instead, I've settled on Discomfort as my one-word intention for 2023. Given the choice, like most of us, I think I choose the easy route, the path of least resistance. But does that path help us grow, help us live our dreams? Probably not.
I have big dreams to share breathwork and emotional health with as many people as possible because my goodness it is so needed. We are all struggling and I know this stuff works and can change all our lives. But I'll be honest, it's terrifying to be given this gift to share. Our darkness can cripple us, but it is more often our light that terrifies us the most. So this year, I'm choosing to be in the discomfort of my fear. To say fuck it, yes I'm scared of being well known, to be looked to for advice, to make a difference in people's lives, to be a light in the darkness, of being abundant in my own life. But I'm determined to feel it all and keep going anyway, because what is the world if we're not all trying our best to step into our light?
Over to you, what's your word of the year?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”
this month’s affirmations…
I HAVE TIME
“Our perception that we have ”no time" is one of the distinctive marks of modern Western culture." - Margaret Visser. For a long time, I thought I had to fit the mould of how and what my life should look like by now. But I read an article recently that a friend sent me and something clicked. I too finally stopped caring about the milestones of life we've been programmed to want and need. I am 33 now, soon to be 34 this year, my life may look odd on the outside and I certainly feel like the odd one out with many of my friendship groups. But I am content with my life and that's all that matters, isn't it?
Forget the milestones, what do you want? And more importantly, what would you want if you realised you had all the time in the world?
Last thoughts…
BUT YOU ARE NOT THERE YET
I've had a few conversations recently with friends and clients, with the recurring theme of worrying, particularly about the future. Whether that's about going to work the next day, finding that ‘one’, getting a project off the ground…you get the idea. And each time I come back to this, you are not there yet. So why worry? My teacher says that anxiety is like praying for what you don't want, and it works.
We spend so much time playing the tape forward in our minds, thinking about all the worse case scenarios. But we're not there yet and what's worse, we're not here either. Read that again. We're not here either. When we spend so much time in our thoughts in the future, we're not in the now either, so if that is true are we even truly living?