One of the scariest things I've ever done…
arts
I've been rejecting myself for years. Only I didn't quite realise how much. It's ironic because every one of us is scared of rejection, and yet we do it to ourselves unconsciously, constantly.
One of the ways I realised I've been rejecting myself, is by not prioritising my physical health and by choosing bad habits that I know weren't good for me. It seems obvious doesn't it, but we can easily slip into making excuses to convince ourselves it's okay, or that we needed it so why not? Just this once won't hurt…but it's never just once. We are creatures of habit, we repeat and repeat the same cycles. Not only that, I've been choosing to be with people who reject me, on a physical and emotional level for years. I've been rejected in all shapes and sizes, and the truth is I co-created that rejection. My choices, whether conscious or unconscious, created situations where I would be rejected. Which is exactly what I didn't want to be.
But last month, I did one of the scariest things I've ever done. I told someone how I felt about them, knowing they weren't in the same place and knowing I'd be rejected. But I did it anyway because I knew that rejection was part of my healing, and necessary for me to move forward with my life.
As soon as I spoke those words, “I have feelings for you”, I felt relief. It was out there in the universe and it was no longer weighing me down. And since, I've found myself being released from old patterns, finally knowing from a place within myself, that someone else's no doesn't mean I'm unloveable, not worthy or not wanted. Let me tell you why…
…When I stood in front of that person and told them how I felt (and have felt about them for some time now) I was terrified. But it was the greatest act of self-love I've ever given myself. Before I said the words, I knew whatever happened I was strong enough now in my own Self to survive the humiliation and shame of rejection that I thought I'd feel, but it turns out I didn't feel any of those things, instead I felt proud. Proud of myself for putting myself out there, proud of myself for telling them how I felt, (a person, who some 6 months earlier I thought was way out of my league and would never have had the courage to tell them how I felt…) despite knowing it wouldn't be reciprocated but doing it anyway. It wasn't about them or their answer anyway, it was about me.
It was about me learning that all rejection is redirection. Learning that a no here is a yes somewhere else. Rejection is necessary and needed! Yes, I'll say that again, rejection is necessary. We need to be rejected to show us how to love ourselves so that no person or thing can ever truly reject us.
Being rejected by someone or something else means it wasn't meant for you anyway, and something greater is coming along. That redirection has directed me onto a path of finally taking care of my whole Self. I've taken care of my emotional, spiritual and mental health for a long time, but there's always been a part of me that has rejected my physical body. If I ever felt rejected in any area of life, my body would be rejected, betrayed or abandoned first. But since that no, everything else has become a yes for me. I no longer take this body for granted. I now want to take care of it, keep it well-fuelled, build strength and give it enough rest and stimulation to feel alive. This is my body, my mind, my heart - I only get this one and I want to love all of who I am.
Not because I have to and it's an obligation of being human or something we just say and don't actually feel or know to be true, but because I realised until I truly loved all of me, I'd never break the cycle. Until I stopped rejecting myself, I would always be allowing someone or something else to mirror that rejection back at me. When you are no longer the mirror for your own wounds, that is when the healing is done. That is whole Self-love.
So do you think it's possible? To never be rejected again if you truly love yourself?
“Feelings that come back are feelings that never left.”
What I'm listening to this month..
The Rich Roll Podcast
Julie Piatt On Soul Evolution, Sacred Embodiment and Falling in love with Yourself
1 hr 37 min
Oprah Super Soul
Caroline Myss: Discovering Your Life's Purpose
36 min
Good Life Project
How to come home to yourself | Arielle Estoria
1 hr 4 min
this month’s affirmations…
THANK YOU
This is something I've been doing a lot lately, and we spoke about it in our Return to You group call this week too. When things go to sh*t, say thank you. Even if it feels like the most ridiculous thing to do, just try it. Phone broke, thank you, a guy ghosts you, thank you, kids scream the house down, thank you. Whatever it is, thank you's apply.
Why? Because this is the practice of surrendering and it's vital for protecting your vital energy. When we try to control everything, it's exhausting and it is often to no prevail, so what's the point? You are never in control, so say thank you, appreciate the lesson, whatever it may be and move on.
Last thoughts…
IF YOU NEED TO: MATCH THEM
I was nearly run over by a car this week as I was on my bike. He pulled out of the street near my house, without looking both ways.
Which from his perspective made sense because he had assumed it was a one-way street so nobody would be coming down the street to his right, except it is a two-way street, for cyclists.
His window was down and I made my presence known by saying something along the line of ‘Hey watch where you are going’.
He began shouting very loud abuse towards me, telling me I was in the wrong amongst other things.
Old me would have cycled off, shaking like a leaf, begun to cry and assume I was wrong because he was a man, and he was loud. Two things I've often felt inferior to.
But I wasn't wrong and I wasn't going to be made to feel stupid, so I stopped my bike in front of his car so he couldn't go anywhere without hearing me. I told him to look at the street signs which showed cyclists were allowed, he wasn't listening, just shouting. Then I raised my voice to his level and told him to “f**king look at the bike lane painted on the road”. I surprised myself with my outburst but it did the trick. He went quiet, then proceeded to apologise several times and got back in his car. Driving alongside me once we pulled out, he apologised again through the window.
Just because you are kind and compassionate, doesn't mean you need to be a doormat. If you want to be listened to, make yourself heard. If you don't agree with someone, tell them. If you need to match their energy (even just for a moment) to be heard, then protect yourself and do it. And just think, you might save someone else from the driver not looking both ways if you make them aware.
So thank you to the driver, who showed me I could still roar when I need to.