Being angry at EVERYTHING
arts
Years ago, I'd often get black-out drunk and my ‘gremlin’ would come out. The gremlin was a nickname, given to me by my former partner, for my shadow. The gremlin was my anger. And I was angry at everything.
Sober, my biggest fear was anyone finding out how angry I was.
I was afraid of my anger because I didn't understand it. I'd grown up thinking rage and violence were the same as anger because that was what was modelled to me. But anger isn't aggressive or violent. It's an emotion that quietly simmers. Just like a pan that's simmering on the hob, if you trap the steam, eventually it will explode. That's what we do to our anger. We block it off, labelling it as ‘bad’ so it becomes locked in our bodies. Over time, this anger becomes too much to contain, and turns to frustration, impatience, and violence that leads us to lash out, and think, “Where the heck did that come from?"…
It came from way back when, when you ignored your instinct to say no. For the longest time, I didn't have a no. Not when it came to men. And the anger of that has been eating me alive for years, manifesting as depression. Because what they don't tell you about anger is, when you suppress it, it becomes sadness, shame and guilt. A recipe for depression.
This summer, I was dating someone and I wanted to take it slow. I set my intention and made it clear, but he had other ideas. On our second date, he cooked me dinner and the night was going well until I found myself being pushed and persuaded to do things I didn't want to do, and giving in - does this sounds familiar to you? Sometimes as a woman, it's easier to carry on and feel uncomfortable than to say no, feel scared and make them feel bad. It's a sad truth to realise.
I could feel myself getting more annoyed and frustrated as the night went on. Why was I here? I felt like sh*t. I didn't want this. Enough was enough.
Somehow, I found the strength to forcibly say no so he got the message loud and clear, and get myself out of there. I cried the whole way home.
Seven. That's how many times this had happened to me before.
Realising this, I dived into one of the deepest depressions of my life, fuelled by sadness and the shame that I wasn't strong enough to stop it sooner. But in all of this, I was mostly angry with myself for abandoning myself every time I let someone push me beyond what I was comfortable with. I'd continually choose them over me. I've had depression since I was 18 so this wasn't an unfamiliar feeling, but this time it was different. This wasn't the first time this had happened with a man but I wanted it to be the last. This time I had my breathwork practice to give me the tools and awareness to go deep within myself and look at the pattern, and see where I was denying myself from moving on from the past.
Using conscious connected breathing, I've found a safe and supportive outlet for my emotions which has allowed me the space to learn to respect and appreciate my anger. Emotions are messengers here to teach us something. Without anger, we would not know our own boundaries, our own power, and our own choice to choose. Anger shows us want we want and what we don't want. It is there to help us live our truth.
Once I learnt the value of my anger, I haven't had a depressive episode since. It's been 5 months and 10 days since that night and 5 months to the day without depression, and I'm finally living in harmony with my own emotions and life.
I now feel empowered by my anger and you can too.
“We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.”
What I'm listening tothis month..
The Alchemy of Life by Steffy White
From darkness to light with human behaviour and trauma expert: Nicky Clinch
56 min
Saturn Returns with Caggie
5.10 Map of Self: The Chakra System with Dr Erica Matluck
52 min
The Rich Roll Podcast
Mastering the Mystical: A Deep Dive on Spirituality
1 hr 52 min
this month’s affirmations…
I SEE ALL THINGS IN CLARITY
As we continue our chakra series in the moodletter, this month we focus on the third eye. Which is the element of light, the energy centre for pattern recognition and intuition, located in between the eyebrows.
It is said that the universe will keep showing you the things you need to learn until you get the lesson. I clearly had to go a few rounds before I understood the power of my anger, my boundaries and my no. But that's the thing about life, our goal isn't to have a perfect life. The goal is to be curious and to pay attention. Where in your life do you keep having the same blocks?
Often our blocks stem from a shadow self that we hid in the darkness. How can you give this darkness light? What gifts is it here to show you?
My anger not only helped me find my deepest truth and my authentic voice to speak up, but I spent so long trying damn hard to cover it up, I naturally became calmer and more patient. It's funny how things work out, isn't it?
Last thoughts…
THE SOUL DWELLS IN THE DARKNESS
I'm reading a book at the moment called Sacred Contracts, by Caroline Myss - it's wonderful. In the book, Myss talks about how our soul chooses this life, how our soul has a sacred contract with the divine, and we are given this life to learn lessons that we need to find enlightenment, perhaps in this life or beyond. In every story of the book, Myss talks of the battles of the self that great figures throughout history and spirituality have had to overcome to find the gifts they were here to give to the world. From Ram Dass, and Buddha to Jesus, none of them had an easy path. I know for me, if I hadn't of spent most of my twenties crippled by depression and anxiety, I wouldn't be writing this to you now. I needed that darkness to find my light, to find my soul's contract.
There is gold in the darkness, seek it out.