I f*cked up, I'll admit it
arts
I did something this week that I'm not proud of. I messed up my diary and missed an appointment in the schedule resulting in costing a business, that I respect and value, money. I was so angry and annoyed at myself. I was embarrassed and felt like an idiot. I pride myself on being someone that's early to everything. When I worked on yachts, if you are on time for your anchor watch, you were late. 10 minutes early is on time and that's how I like to operate, out of respect for other people's time, and if I'm honest, a people pleasing tendency that's a work in progress.
I was so disappointed but then I realised the lesson I needed to learn.
Stood in my kitchen with my housemate, as I explained my mistake, doing her best to calm me down and instructing me to breathe (I'm sure they love to pull this card as often as possible…just for the irony), I had a thought. What if I lied, could I get out of this? Could I save my ass? Could I protect myself from looking like an idiot?
I caught myself. I was stood there trying to come up with a good enough lie. I hate bullshit and I can't lie to save my life, but I still found myself trying. Truth is, I'd fucked up and I had a choice. Own it and stand in my integrity, in my mistake. Or lie to save face, to protect myself.
A moment after this popped into my mind it was gone. I'd come to my senses. No. I would rather be in integrity and my truth (and potentially lose this contract by telling the truth) than lie and mask my truth. And in that moment, I realised how far I've come to heal that little girl inside me that would often lie to protect herself.
Lies are the shadow of the throat chakra. As kids we learn to lie to protect ourselves. Be good and you get rewarded, be bad and you get punished. I wanted to be a good little girl. That's what I was supposed to be. So I lied. I lied to avoid the punishment. And it's an obvious choice when you're a kid and you can see both options in front of you. Whether it's with our parents or school, or in later life, in our relationship or job. We lie to protect ourselves, but as adults we can now choose better.
There is a cost to lies.
When we lie, we add a layer onto our truth. Layer upon layer builds over a lifetime until we have no idea who we are, what we want, why we are with the person sleeping next to us. We are completely lost. I know, because for the longest time I was lost. I lost myself in a sea of perfectionism, trying to make everyone around me believe that I was golden, flawless. The perfect fiancé, the perfect friend, the perfect employee.
When I broke off the wedding 3 months before the wedding day, everybody was shocked. I'd never once told anyone how unhappy I was, how unfulfilled I was, how trapped and powerless I felt. I wanted everyone to love my partner, I wanted everyone to love us together, I wanted to be accepted, loved, admired. When I called it off, I had nobody. Because nobody understood. Of course they didn't, I'd be lying to them and to myself. Nobody knew who I was, neither did I. And it was the loneliest feeling in the world.
My lies caged me and that's what lies do if we don't seek our truth, and continue to choose it over and over - even when shit hits the fan and you fuck up. We are human, we make mistakes, own your mistakes,
learn from them, grow from them.
I now have two calendar reminders, one for an hour before everything, one for 10 minutes before. Lesson learnt.
“Believe those who are seeking the truth.
Doubt those who claim to have found it.”
What I'm listening tothis month..
Black Girl in Om
#63 Freeing Up Our Bodies with Our Voice with Gina Breedlove
49min
Heal Thy Seal with Dr G
Finding Your Authentic Voice, Guest: Maryn Azoff
1hr30mins
this month’s affirmations…
CREATIVITY FLOWS IN AND THROUGH ME
Our throat chakra is the centre of creativity, with close ties to our sacral chakra - a place where desires, feelings, seeds of creation are sown. But without a balanced throat chakra we cannot manifest our dreams, nothing grows, nothing flourishes. To create the life we want to live, we need to manifest it, we need to express our desires, speak them out loud, let our creativity flow out into the world.
But this is two way street. We need to be open to the world around us to be inspired by the whispers of the universe guiding us, and open to the whispers within. I call these whispers within, our Embers. Those little sparks inside that whisper our deepest hopes and desires. Our truest self. The throat chakra in Sanskirt is called Vissudha meaning purification. Our purest self is found here. We can either protect our sparks, be resolved in who we are and what we are capable of and use this Ember to fuel our lives, or we can ignore that spark and blow our Ember out.
So choose and manifest the life you want. It can only come from you.
Last thoughts…
DON'T RUSH SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT TO LAST FOREVER
You know sometimes you hear something and it's like wow, that is it. That is exactly IT. That happened when I heard this week. Don't rush something that you want to last forever.
You'll know from the moodletter where I shared my birth story that I'm working on my tendency to not rush. There are things in my life I'd love to happen at some point. I'd love to find someone to share my life with and I have hopes of making this business sustainable and providing me a life of freedom, both physically, mentally and financially. But if this is forever, why does it have to be done tomorrow? Creativity takes time, to create in your being and to them manifest into life.
Take the time, be patient, and wait for them. They are out there. I believe I'm learning everything I need now so that when the time comes that I meet that someone, I'm where I'm supposed to be. And I believe they are doing the same.
Same with the business. I believe the care, consideration and attention that I take before a launch, will be returned with a loyal, connected and invested community of like-minded people that see the value in this work.
Good things take time. Forever things take forever.