What I learnt from a month of hiding from my feelings…
You may have noticed this moodletter is somewhat later than usual, for many reasons. One being I've been struggling with depression this month. Like a dark cloud I thought had lifted for good years ago, it shifted me back to a part of myself that I'd forgotten.
I recently came across the word; abditory, meaning a place in which you can disappear, a hiding place. I'll be honest with you, I've been hiding lately. I always do when I don't want to feel anything and that's how depression feels to me. I close off, I shut down. And I noticed a pattern; my immediate reaction to these dark, deep emotions that I want to avoid is to turn to alcohol. I've been this way before, at my lowest in the past I chose drink over food. Nowadays, I'm not a big drinker, so when my alcohol uptake increases even a fraction, I take note.
Drinking to forget and to numb myself from the pain of whatever I'm feeling is not the answer, it just masks the feelings - which we DO need to feel and process. Fortunately, I found myself well-resourced with tools to help me get through this recent depressive phase. But looking back, I wonder why my old vices were the crutches I wanted to turn to. Why is that?
In the past I would drink to excess. And retrospectively I look on that time of my life knowing how repressed I was. I drank excessively to be able to express myself (often with not the most tactful expression of self, it has to be said..) but something inside me wanted to be freed, and alcohol gave me the vehicle to do that.
Once I had freed myself physically from that life (not with alcohol I hasten to add). I'd drink to free myself from the toll of my feelings that I couldn't handle at the time. The feelings of shame, loss and grief.
As I've been studying the breath and its relation to our healing and trauma, I discovered that as humans we have addictions based on our trauma - which I find fascinating. Our emotional centre with the element of water is our second chakra: Svadhisthana, located in our sacral plexus. This is the chakra associated with the addiction of alcohol. Alcohol masks our feelings. That gut feeling, a pit in your stomach - these are all sayings related to our emotional centre of the body, the sacral plexus with lies underneath the belly button.
Interestingly, the other chakras have their own associated addictions when they are out of balance - as I spoke about last month, overeating may be an attempt to ground, gambling, work and shopping are other addictions most associated with the root chakra too. Here's some others:
Solar plexus chakra (our power centre) - cocaine, amphetamines, caffeine, work, anger
Heart chakra (our love centre) - tobacco, sugar, love, marijuana
Throat chakra (our communication centre) - opiates, marijuana
Third eye chakra (our visual centre) - hallucinogens, marijuana
….can you see how the addictions mask or emphasise the feelings of these energy centres? Fascinating hey?
So how do we heal these energy centres (and our addictions) as humans?
For me, it's about understanding the root of the problem. The addictions are a symptom, not the cause. With breathwork, pranayama techniques are wonderful and absolutely have their purpose, I teach them often. They target the symptoms of depression, anxiety, stress (which is great) BUT they don't necessarily heal the root cause. Shouldn't we be asking ourselves, what is the cause of our stress? If we are experiencing anxiety, depression, stress, lack of self-worth, loss of identity - there IS something underlying that causes the imbalance. I am lucky, I recovered quickly from my depression this past month because I understood what the root of the problem was, and I allowed myself the space to feel, breathe and recover. But I know my circumstances are the exception, not the rule. The answer for me has been conscious connected breathing - there's no hiding from this breath, it will draw all the shit out and make us deal with it. For good or bad, it needs to be done.
As they say…better out than in…!
“Lose your mind and come to your senses”
What I'm listening tothis month..
More than a Feeling
49min
The Human Design Podcast with Emma Dunwood
#182 Centres Series - The Sacral Centre
42min
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
3 Signs You Could be Dealing with Depression & How to Stop Self-Sabotage
52min
this month’s affirmations…
BE HUMBLE
I've often said that 'we cannot expect to go through life without any physical health issues, so why think we'd get through life without any mental health issues?'
But part of me has been quietly smug about believing I had ‘cured’ my depression and anxiety. In reality, I've just found ways of dealing with it over the years so instead of being front and centre, it exists in the background of my life.
Yet it still exists, I was mistaken to think it didn't. And the past month has made me more humble about my mental health and the fragility and strength of our being.
It takes strength to receive help and take the time to heal, and an awareness of our fragility to respect our nature, our mental health and treat ourselves with kindness wherever we are in our journey.
Last thoughts…
ESSENCE OVER FORM
If you are close to me, you'll know I'm a single gal living in large in London (if only…haha).
At some point I'd like to meet someone to build a life with and I've had several conversations with my mentor and teacher about this recently. Every time he comes back to the phrase ‘Essence Over Form’. In our conversations we're talking about romantic relationships, but it can be used it all walks of life. I used to live a life about form, designing superyachts because it was ‘cool’ but it didn't align with my values…it lacked essence. I was planning a big white wedding, that was more about inviting people I barely knew that keeping it small and intimate which I actually wanted, never mind the fact I wasn't in love with the groom (form over essence). There's so many examples of this in my past life, and I guess I'm still working through this behavioural pattern in many ways, but I'm working on it. Where in your life do you choose form over essence?