How my birth changed everything in my life to date…
Every moment of our life imprints on us in some way. The people we meet, the things we do, the experiences we have. From the moment we are born we are shaped by everything in our reality. Do you find the possibility of that wonderful or is it terrifying?
I think it's both.
I've come to learn that the first moments of my life were terrifying. And today, I'm going to tell you the story of my birth and how it has shaped my life so far. I was born 33 years and 2 weeks ago and in most of that time up until a few weeks ago I have been in a rush. A rush to get through life, living like I didn't have enough time. I didn't plan ahead too long, I never planned huge trips away far in advance, I booked courses immediately as soon as I was inspired to do them, I rushed into relationships, I rushed into decisions. Everything was done in a hurry but I never realised it. Something deep rooted inside me felt like I was living on borrowed time and I needed to get this thing called life “done” as quickly as possible. Nothing could be unfinished.
For the 9 months of my Mum's pregnancy with me, the doctors made a mistake and gave her the wrong due date - thinking the due date was the 19th June but my actual due date was the 5th of June. I was born on the 20th, meaning I was 15 days overdue. As my Mum's labour with me started, she was told by the doctors to take it easy (and go home) and that there was no rush (as they thought I wasn't that overdue) but my Mum knew differently and insisted that I was on the way. As the labour progressed, I went into distress, and my oxygen levels dropped dangerously low. They put Mum on oxygen as they prepared for an emergency c-section, but I made it into this world just in time with a natural birth - just as the placenta was breaking down. Imagine for a second, that moment of my arrival into this world, the first thing I knew was panic, a sense of danger and an urgency in the room. I felt I didn't have enough time to be alive. Thank goodness for Mother's intuition or I wouldn't be here.
That feeling imprinted on me in that moment of my birth and without knowing, I've been living with that for every minute and every decision of my life since. I spent my twenties ticking the boxes trying to get everything done before time was up. Settling for the wrong guy, the wedding, the house - it was all a symptom of this imprint. When I was a designer, I wanted to get to the top of the field as quickly as possible. In business I've always felt like I had to rush ahead when really I'm just getting started.
It's time to stop rushing and let myself look forward
without the fear of not being here.
Knowing this is great and a huge part of my healing journey. But now what? How does it help me? I realised recently, that the only way we can make real change and growth in our life is through awareness. Awareness is what heals us. Yes self-worth, boundaries, intuition all that good stuff helps, but none of it matters without awareness. Here's the process:
Awareness → Recognition of the Pattern (Thoughts)
→ Words/Intentions → Action = Change
We need to interrupt our behaviour patterns to change ourselves, and we do that through awareness of our default setting, our hardwired programming. If we don't we just do the same shit over and over and over again and nothing actually improves, grow or heals. The choice is ours. Live in fear or live in freedom?
So now I'm aware of my default setting to rush, every time I notice myself rushing I stop. I take the time to consider my thoughts, remind myself to slow down (words), and then actually do slow down in whatever it is I'm doing (actions). It's hard going, I've been rushing for a very long time. But I feel like I'm slowly taking the power back from the first imprint of my life. From an experience I can't even remember, I'm now choosing to navigate my way through life on my terms in my own time
- and it feels wonderfully freeing.
-
My Mum has been helping me to piece this story together, this is her story as much as mine and was shared with my Mum's permission x
“Through our will we create the world we want.”
What I'm listening tothis month..
Oprah's Super Soul
Super Soul Special: Pema Chödrön: Welcoming the Unwelcome
41min
Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert
Magic Lessons Ep. 202: “Make the Brutal into the Beautiful” Featuring Brandon Stanton
1 hr 12min
Bewildered Podcast
33min
this month’s affirmations…
I AM SAFE TO MOVE FORWARD
This month we're looking at the Solar Plexus chakra, our power house. If we're blocked here, we struggle to move forward in life. It's our centre of our will, our power, our autonomy - without this chakra in balance we can struggle with self-esteem, self-discipline, authenticity, confidence - fundamental traits that help us step into our power. Now I've unlocked this part of myself through understanding my birth story, I'm using this affirmation this month to assure myself of the safety I now have within myself to move forward however I choose.
Last thoughts…
IF YOU SPOT IT YOU'VE GOT IT
As I've been breathing the conscious connected breathing technique every day for the past several months or so, I'm continually being called to meet my shadows and work through them. We really can't hide anything from the breath.
I've noticed I'm starting to tune my senses to see the shadows of others easily or moreover, being compassionate to others when I see there shadows. Knowing too well that if I can see their shadows, I also have that same quality within myself. Shadows come in many forms, fear, shame, guilt, denial, anger - the list goes on. Anger is one of my biggest shadows, and a shadow of the solar plexus. I often get the most scared around people who are angry - that fear creeps in and takes me back to growing up around anger. And I would avoid it as an adult. Avoid being around angry people, and avoid doing anything to make anyone angry - which if you haven't guess led me to being a pretty severe people pleaser. When this shadow first came up during a breathe, it brought on some fear because that's the feeling I'd associated with anger. But I've realised since that that person in my life who made me fearful of anger, and in turn, angry myself because of it, gave me the greatest gift. Because when harnessed, our anger is beautiful. It's our power, our determination, our drive. As Anodea Judith says in Eastern Body, Western Mind “Only when we acknowledge this demon as an ally can it be truly mastered." What demon do you need to master?